2015- Coming Out

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Kyggergyle's avatar
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This year started off a hell of a lot better than last year. Though, my grandmother, the one with pancreas cancer, did pass away mid December, she is now free of pain. I'm now worried about my grandfather being out at his house by himself. My uncles and aunts visit him on a daily basis but he is still by himself the majority of the day.

As of June I am now full-time (I work three 12hr days) and can finally buy a house and get my puppy back! The only thing stopping me is my habit of overpaying current bills which makes it hard for me to save money. My need to find something to do, since I don't have my puppy with me, has become a habit of driving around aimlessly and buying things from Goodwill to craft. I also like to travel back and forth from where I'm staying to my moms place (a 3 hour drive). It take $40-$50 to fill up my tank and I use 8 gallons of gas, round trip. Not bad but its wearing out my car. (sea foam is amazing!!) 
I at least get to spend time with my dog and family for a few days at a time.
My car payment is only $197/mth but I usually pay $200-$300/mth. You'd think I would be a few months ahead but every once in a while I'll skip a payment. At least I'm more than half way done with paying on it and I haven't missed a payment.

I've started an Etsy account for framed traditional drawings and crafts that I have been working on. If you're interested, I'll post links in pictures I post in the upcoming days.

I just recently spoke with a tattoo artist and he gave me some advice. You may be seeing quite a few butterfly, heart and other such designs in the near future(if I can get off my lazy butt and draw). lol

I've been getting a lot off my chest lately. Just things I have never told anyone that I feel I can share now that I have discovered a bit more about myself.
Recently I have been having anxiety attacks but that may be due to my coming out and how all the people I love and care about take it. Most of my close friend are supporting me and my father supports me but my mother refuses to acknowledge I event told her... name with my brother. He hasn't mentioned anything about what I posted on FB.

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And lastly, I recently found out that I am transgender. FtM (Female to Male)
I never knew what the term actually was so I considered myself a Tomboy.

I've always felt that I should have been born a male but nature had other plans, I guess. I used to hate myself and torment myself all the time growing up because of it. So much so that I have completely destroyed my self confidence and self esteem.
To this day I find it hard to look at myself. I don't like mirrors. I don't have many photos of me growing up. I despised my image, what I looked like, what I was. I would only allow my picture to be taken when I took it myself or approved the results. 

I never cut myself.

I used to punch myself and wear baggy clothes to cover the whelps and bruises. I used to choke myself and use my hair or a hoody to cover the marks if I had any. I gave myself a piercing twice and took it out the same day so no one would ever know. I wore eyeliner to keep myself from crying so that I wouldn't mess it up.
I eventually became bulimic and took showers after every dinner to let the water mask the sound so no one would ever know. To this day I still have urges to purge myself after a large meal. 
I would drowned myself in video games for hours to forget my reality.

I know what pain is. I used to wear it like a vail. I sometimes still do.
You ask me if I'm "OK" and every demon I hid away at the back of my mind breaks their bonds and rushes in to attack. 
It was bad enough I'm trapped in my body but I have no idea how to comfort myself. So I turn to help others. Put a smile on their face so I don't feel so useless. So pathetic. Thats what I used to say to myself. I sometimes remind myself.

Confidence must be a wonderful thing to feel. To be able to sit in a room full of people and not feel alone or overwhelmed. To be able to preform a duty without asking a million and one questions because you're afraid of failure.

I used to wish I was someone else. Something else. At night, before I drifted to sleep in the wet pillow I buried my face in. I made me sick.
I still make me sick. 

Don't wonder why my favorite topics are morbid things. Dead things.
I've put myself through more torment than a high school bully. I've punished myself for being something I physically am not when I should have embraced it. Wore it like a crown. I tore myself down when I should have been building myself up.

I'm not crazy.

I've found my path. It may be overgrown with weeds and thick with trees but I see the sun through the leaves.
© 2015 - 2024 Kyggergyle
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Nasdreks's avatar
Congrats on coming out. I'll make sure to use the right pronouns and nicknames for you in the future. And just so you know, I refer to everyone as honey, sweety or dude. But if you would rather I not refer you by the more cutesy terms, I'll be happy to oblige. Also, good luck with the tattoo stuff. And I still envy you for your cutesy wootsy Doberman.